Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Why wasn't I good enough?

I ask myself this question almost every time I get rejected. Rejection is one of my greatest fears, next to dogs and failure in life. That is why I never ask for too much, even though I expect a lot.

I didn't get all A's in a semester. Why didn't I do better?
I got another "Sorry, we had more qualified applicants than vacancies." Why was I not a chosen one?
A relationship goes down the drain. Why wasn't I good enough?

I am not a perfectionist but I like to have it all. I never blog about my relationships on here. I keep it random but I got inspired by a SBM post with this same title.

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I'm a 19 year old female in her prime. I like to date, amongst my other interests. Sometimes, I can be labelled as a serial dater. This means that I go on dates (not be in relationships) with different men within the same time frame. Although, I only go on dates with men that I sense a potential connection with. There may be that one dude (lets call him Pee) that captures attention. I try to put the best into my relationships and expect nothing short from Pee. I don't believe in “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be". That's for the birds. If I love someone, I'm putting in work to be with him NOW! And when things don't turn out as rosy as I fantasized with Mr Pee, I keep myself occupied. I'm very fast with closures. I don't linger around if the handwriting on the wall is legible enough for me to see no future. I'm a rocker and I detest mourning the loss of someone or something. Mourning someone and letting it interfere with your happiness is not acceptable.

Sadly, my method is just a short-term fix. After a while, I begin to feel bad about the loss. This sadness may occur while I'm in a happy relationship with another partner. Sometimes,  the sadness occurs six months or more later. What hurts the most is the feeling of my not being good enough for Pee. What did I do wrong? Should I have worn heels on dates? Should I have laughed at Pee's attempts with sarcastic humor? Did I not reply his texts on time? Did he find someone better? Why wasn't I good enough?


Why wasn't I good enough? Scratch!
Why wasn't he patient enough to appreciate the good in me?
Maybe he just wasn't good enough for me.



Like always,
Je vous embrasse.

Disclaimer: This is the first post that puts me out there and it is probably going to be the last. Unlike the message of this post, I'm actually very happy and content with my current state ;) I just felt like putting this out.

PS: My two-year blogaversary is coming up in June. For the two-year hall mark, I will any 20 random questions. So feel free to leave the question in the comment box or email me at yinkuslolo@gmail.com

7 comments:

'Labisi said...

I'm feeling this post. I'm a blogger too and i hate putting my personal relationship up cos i usually dont wana jinx it. i recently broke up with a guy wen i was seeing all sorts of writings on the wall. He claimed i was the best he had ever had only for me to discover he is "in a relationship" with sombody else on facebook with the girl's name on there too barely 3weeks that i broke up with him. It sucks knowing that if i hadn't broken up wen i did, he would have continued lying to me. I'm not the type who cries over spilled milk but i think i'm better off with this one. Some guys aint just worth sh*t

Adaeze said...

funny reading this, im just about to post a very personal relationship post, lol..

Anyways, <i can relate to what you're saying,a lthough I've only ever been in one relationship that I'm still in. But that feeling applies to success in many areas in life. Ideally, I'd like to say, you know what it's not about not being good enough, it's just about timing and matching. And that is what I believe, but sometimes its hard to remember. I like how you finished it, he wasn't patient enough to appreciate the good in me. Go girl. And BTW; dont be afraid of dogs..face ur fear and meet a nice one. Mine is my angel and he wouldnt hurt a bee. I know u must be shaking ur head at me wherever u are but i had to say that :-p

Okeoghene said...

...Sometimes i think what makes you love a guy enough to get into a relationship?..... and what makes you stop loving that person?....

Mwajim Al said...

hummm... i concur with the: "Wasn't I good enough?" question... but sometimes u need to realize it just isn't you. U were good enough... tried your best. Sometimes, the person may just be too scared to stick to work it out... commitment is scary :(

Ginger said...

If I love someone, I'm putting in work to be with him NOW!
I totally feel you on that. So that if it doesn't work out I wont beat myself up on ..maybe I didnt do enough and sh*t like that.

Ms♥Infamous said...

yeah, i believe that if you love something, you should Never let it go.
i also try as much as possible not to post too much personal ish...anyways, happy anniversary in advance ;)

okonyahouseboy said...

more relationship posts pls! :)